5 things we hate about festivals

Okay, so Glasto's over and the Isle of Wight is done for this year but have you seen how many more festivals there are still to come? We have and we're having a stab at doing a fair few but we've already been reminded of things we hate to see, hear or watch at a festival. No, Mel C and Keane are the obvious ones...

1. TWATS IN HATS

JK might have started this trend but it can be traced back to The Levellers and indeed clowns. This should be a warning - all three of these groups are cunts. Every year at every festival, IT consultants and drunken rugby-fucks go and buy a jester hat to prove their wackiness outside of their mundane workplace. These people are also the first to put on the paper crowns from crackers at Christmas and the last to leave your house party. They know of no fashions and think that by wearing novel head gear, they’ll stand a better chance of getting into the NME or The Guardian. Sadly, this only works for fit girls. Wear a silly hat and you’ll get exposed, slated and laughed at on the internet - especially if that 'hat' is featured on your MySpace page.

2. BIG BUMS

No, this isn’t a jibe at fat people but – BUT – it’s never nice seeing exposed, sunburned, unwashed ass when you’re eating a hot dog. I mean, there’s hygiene issues here, not to mention the occasional presence of hair or the stray slither of festival issue bog roll. Festivals are meant to be sun drenched free love paradises – not full of females who behave like Bob The Builder, look like Michelle McManus and believe that their 28 inch waist has remained static since leaving high school.

3. MOBILE PHONE USAGE

A couple of camera snaps is fine because, like, we do that all the time. Ahem. We’re talking about recording songs and, worse still, calling a friend and shouting down the line before proudly raising the phone in the air like a sonic broad sword. Worse still, the man pictured is pumping The Feeling to someone as intelligent as him at the other end of the line. We imagine it’s his mum, the one waiting for him back at the tent.

4. QUEUES

Unavoidable of course, especially for the never-ending pits of poo that makes a standard chemical toilet seem like the ultimate bottom-related luxury. Worse still are the things that happen in queues. People talk about Keane, discuss their bowel movements, the plan of action for the day, who they shagged last night and talk loudly on mobile phones while gesturing to an invisible man, still partially high from their first joint of the day.

5. THE FOOD

Burger for breakfast, burger for lunch and burger for tea. By the end of the festival, it’s likely that your anus will be vomiting out meaty Frisbees like a fleshy yet rubber monster from a David Cronenberg flick. The only respite is Falafel or sweets, both of which have much the same effect on your bottom. Caffeine and beer doesn’t help either. The solution? Cider, water, crisps and chocolate bars.