Let’s get one thing straight here. Guns N' Roses used to be the dog’s bollocks. Even the UK live shows last year were pretty fucking special. But the recently leaked Chinese Democracy is a bloated, hideous pile of thick poodle-rocking wank that you might mistake for an albino anal projectile belonging to Justin Hawkins.
As a brief recap, this album has been delayed and pretty much a decade in the making. Secretly produced and mixed with Brian May solos in place of Slash, the odd bluesy snippet from recent live shows suggested that the new tracks might be good and might just see the light of day in our lifetime.
5 tracks have leaked online including Madagascar, The Blues, IRS, There Was A Time and Chinese Democracy. There’s another 5 floating about in various demo and live forms, these include Rhiad and the Bedouins, Oh My God, Catcher in The Rye, Better and Silkworms.
Chinese Democracy is best described as a hard rock, sample heavy record designed by a cretin with Fred Durst on vocal duties. There’s speedy riffs, swearing and 508 guitar solos but so many drums, needless grunts and aggression that it strips away any adoration you may have secretly saved for Axl Rose. Once a pencil thin rock rapunzel and all-round rock deity, Axl now is confused mess of ginger dreads singing karaoke rock in the worst possible way imaginable. He’s still got the voice and even though the trademark lilting swagger is encased within a spam flavoured Michelin Man flesh suit, Axl could still get away with being a twat and not doing an album for years because we remember Appetite For Destruction. Chinese Democracy has put an end to all of that.
In the words of the hip, still ‘very much with it’ jive-ass Axl, let’s break it down…
- Better
Distorted guitar loop with Axl singing a lullaby in the background. 20 seconds in, angry Axl descends and poodle rock prevails. Could have easily been made in 1993, if Slash had left and the band were listening to Nickelback via a time machine.
- Catcher In The Rye
It begins with a piano and could be November Rain but is something truly terrible. Like Jet with a gospel choir singing All Around The World by Oasis and Axl muttering about guns in a way that can only de described as senile and constipated.
- Chinese Democracy
This is odd. Axl sounds like he’s in Slipknot and has eaten several cigars before doing the take. A bit grunge, a bit nu-metal and a bit spacey. The screaming riffs sound like some kind of alien mating call.
- IRS
Lounge rock. Stompy half ballad, half mildly angry rock. The kind of puerile shit you’d expect Kelly Jones and his merry band of inbred fuckwits to come up with and call it genius. Includes the Ivor Novello award worthy lyric “what should I do If I gave my heart to you?”.
- Madagascar
Marching horns introduce the lolloping protest song which babbles on about how Axl has lost his way, ‘so far from the shore’ and is the anthem which confirms that Axl needs to start speaking with the LA care home right away. There’s samples from famous leaders with hollow beats in the background. It’s ludicrous. Even more ludicrous than the Utah Saints shagging the KLF with Brian May touching himself as he prepares for the 306th solo of the album. The title is nothing to do with the Disney film.
- Oh My God
Demonic Axl is back. Or maybe Grotbags, we’re not sure. A nasty, punky cluster of ‘fuck you’ lyrics, monster voices and self indulgent solos. Sounds a bit like Marilyn Manson interspersed with bizarre, FM friendly rock riffs. Schizophrenic and very, very weird.
- Rhiad & The Bedouins
No, it’s not the name of a Harry Potter spin off. This is the song that sounds closest to vintage Guns N' Roses. A rapid, swaggering beat and lots of wah wahs remind us of Welcome To The Jungle but then it runs out of steam, repeats itself and goes into a frickin’ ludicrous solo before sounding like EMF. A tragedy.
- Silkworms
Has a bizarre near silent middle section. A bit Chili Peppers, a bit We Didn’t Start The Fire by Billy Joel. Apart from the lyric “what should I do with a bitch like you?” of course. Billy would never say that.
- The Blues
Sad, if only for the fact that it’s actually an okay song murdered by Brian May doing another screaming solo over a piano and Axl singing in such an earnest tone that we want to kill him.
- There Was A Time
There was. It was in 1989 on Sunset Strip in shitty bars that gave birth to the original Guns N' Roses. There Was A Time is so cringe-worthy, it’s beyond tragedy.
No comments:
Post a Comment