Concert for Diana: The best and worst bits

Yesterday, approximately 70,000 people braved the possibility of a terrorist attack to visit Wembley stadium to see a Diana benefit concert. The audience consisted of aged coffee morning Conservatives with bosoms the size of nuclear weapons, gay men expecting Kylie to perform and young competition winners placed near the front of the stage to show that the youths still have love for the Royal Family. The highlights were few, but we watched the WHOLE thing, so you didn’t have to.

Stuff that made us laugh, cry and sometimes, slightly aroused…

Fergie miming and the camera panning away from her greasy chicken legs to make up for the MTM (mouth to mic) malfunction.

P Diddy, doing a Jacko by dressing in white, praising the Lord and invoking the spirit of Diana to the sound of hip hop while pretending he was a preacher and/or Jesus. He sang his Sting infused ode to Notorious BIG – who Princess Diana shared a great deal in common with.

Kanye West, showing P Diddy how it should be done. Prince Harry was over-heard saying that he “rocked the house” before asking his aide if it was time for a spliff.

Nelly Furtado – fuck Christina and Britney, we’ll take Nelly any day.

Joss Stone, coming over all American again but looking quite nice with no shoes on.

Prince Harry and William doing the Royal Jive, which is half Peter Crouch, half David Brent…

David Brent (Ricky Gervais) running out of jokes after two minutes, after cutting his traditional gags about disabled people, cancer and sex. The previously sedate crowd excitedly chanted “dance! dance!” after too many Pimms, forcing the rubber-faced chubster to dance like he did in that episode of The Office. Curiously, he knew the exact routine…

Kate Middleton, nicer than Chelsea, who is to Harry what a Chihuahua is to Paris Hilton.

Tom Jones covering Arctic Monkeys, then a Joss duet with Joss singing louder than Tom.

The giant gaps between songs, with helicopter cameras exposing Wembley as a kind of Total Recall esque industrial wasteland with a hotel, a Land of Leather and a giant sand pit.

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